Archive | June, 2013

Local Man Injured, Arrested for Incredible Number of Rapes and Murders

30 Jun

As a former Wyoming State wrestling Champion, Gillette native Portnoy has been living a life we here on the ranch have only dreamed of. With running water, a car that don’t just sit on the front lawn, and no crazed flocks of killer crows to deal with, Portnoy is living high on the hog! Or, at least, he was…..

port story wreslting1

You don’t even look at me when I’m Power-Topping you.. we’ve grown apart, haven’t we?

On June 26, 2013, Port awoke to find himself suffering from severe back pain, or, as many experts often  refer to it, a “weak-ass alibi”.  As he screamed in a fashion his wife described as “like a little girl”, Portnoy supposedly fell on the floor, went to the Emergency Room, took several drugs while there, and then returned to his home… a home neighbor’s describe as “a breeding ground of dandelions and violent sex-murders”. We attempted to contact Portnoy  for his response to these and any other likely allegations, but were told he was “sleeping” and therefore “would not come to the phone”. We regret he could not be part of this story, other than the graphic description of the hideous and depraved violent sex acts he committed.

homeless 3

Fred Luvscok, local wino, claims he was with Portnoy the night in question, “as lovers do”

Many wonder, just how did the police focus on Portnoy as the perpetrator of this heinous and brutal crime? It seems the previous night in question there was a mass disappearance of approximately 30 local hobos…. all members of a sex-based Hobo Church on the outskirts of Cologne, MN.  And that just so happens to be where Portnoy has stayed for the past few years… coincidence? Not likely.

Local bloggers immediately questioned the timing of Port’s “injury” as it related to the assumed massive gangrape and murder of thirty dirty hobos. Lynn Shitz, a Minneapolis-based lesbian blogger, wondered exactly what Portnoy was hiding. “I find it highly suspicious that this “man” would report a back injury just one day after 30 heavy, well-hung hobos were carted off for what I assume would be a night of fucking, sucking, and, according to my sources, ritualized sex-murder”

TMZ intern Steve Bakdor exclaimed, “He fucked them all, then killed them all!” The former TMZ intern continued, “He probably fist-fucked them until I -I mean he, came in his pants!”

shitty lawn

Where officials expect to find the bones of dozens of partially eaten, sexually assaulted hobos…

Officials say it’s only a matter of time before they start finding long-buried skulls and femurs in Portnoy’s front yard. In fact, said one official, that may explain why the suspect has “such a shitty lawn, especially when he knows he has family coming to visit.”

We’ll keep you updated on this tragic waste of hobo life, and more importantly, the wasted landscaping of a serial hobo-raping murderer.